Tag Archives: Grown Ups 2

Worst 10 Films of 2013!

I don’t like to brag, but I’ve really outdone myself this (last year). I’ve finally completely reviewing my backlog of 2013 films and, according to my calculations, I’ve watched and reviewed a total of 131 movies with a release date of 2013. And out of that group, I’ve selected my 10 worse films of 2013!

The methodology is simple. I simply picked out the films with the lowest stars I gave and ranked them in accordance to rating, applying my judgment to those with identical scores to determine which one was worse. 2013 turned out to be an excellent year in cinema at the lower end of the spectrum, as I only counted exactly 10 films with a rating lower than 2 stars (not including 2-star films). There were a couple that are so bad that they would have topped the list any other year, but on the whole I was pleasantly surprised.

So here goes. As usual, click on the film title for my full review.

Dishonourable mentions: Diana, Runner Runner, Last Vegas, The Bling Ring, The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, The Hangover Part III

10. Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

According to this list we're the 10th worst movie of the year!
According to this awesome list we’re the 10th worst movie of the year!

I expected this re-imagining of the classic fairytale to be bad, but not quite this bad. The touches to the revamped story were uninspiring, the action was sub-par, and the dialogue was poor, resulting in a dull, uninvolving experience that felt more like an opportunistic cash grab than a genuine attempt to create a decent movie experience. I like both Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton, but this was an obvious misstep for both of them.

9. After Earth

Thanks dad, I won't let you down
Thanks dad, I won’t let you down

Will Smith’s star vehicle for his precious son Jaden was widely panned by critics and deservedly so. Despite a potentially intriguing premise and a whole bunch of special effects, After Earth was a complete and utter bore, stunted by a predictable and cheesy narrative, poor acting and lameness all around. Even I, one of M Night Shyamalan’s biggest apologists, can’t defend him on this monster.

8. Grown Ups 2

Can I take my shirt off yet?
Can I take my shirt off yet?

Adam Sandler movies these days are destined for lists like this, so it says a lot when Grown Ups 2 can’t even make the top 5. And yes, this is a horrible movie with a lot of indefensible attempts at humour, no plot and a plethora of offensive content — BUT the presence of Steve Buscemi and a pretty funny Taylor Lautner as a fratboy douche was enough to make the film suck substantially less.

7. The Counselor

I'd like to grow my hair out too
I’d like to grow my hair out too

Even going into it knowing Cormac McCarthy’s occasional off-the-wall tendencies, The Counselor still turned out to be the year’s most WTF movie. Seriously, what the heck was Ridley Scott thinking? Everyone in this production tried too hard, from McCarthy’s unnecessarily convoluted script to Scott’s direction to the overacting of Javier Bardem. Given what this could have and should have been, it’s possibly the year’s biggest disappointment.

6. The Canyons

Even your knockers can't save this movie, Lindsay
Even your knockers can’t save this movie, Lindsay

Oh poor Linsday Lohan. She has become some uninsurable that she’s resorted to this doomed super-low budget project by Brett Easton Ellis and Paul Schrader. With porn superstar James Deen as the lead, The Canyons ventures dangerously close to amateur porn territory. Better direction and acting, I grant you that, but production and plot-wise not so much. It’s hard to imagine Lindsay reviving her career from this nadir.

5. Paranoia

I'm paranoid this could be one of the worst movies of the year
I’m paranoid this could be one of the worst movies of the year

I support all Aussie actors trying to make their mark in Hollywood, but I can’t bring myself to support Liam Hemsworth’s decision to star in Paranoia, an inexplicably boring, cliched techno “thriller” that makes me wonder if Harrison Ford and Gary Oldman are having cashflow problems. While some films seem OK on paper, only to fall apart on the screen, it should have been obvious Paranoia was going to be awful from the get-go. No excuses for all involved.

4. RIPD

Who you gonna call?
Who you gonna call?

An early contender for worst film of the year, only to be nudged back to 4th place thanks to some truly grotesque efforts in the top 3. RIPD is more or less Men In Black for ghosts and demons, except it’s less exciting, less witty, less interesting, less coherent and with much worse special effects (and we’re talking about a 1997 movie here). One of the worst, if not the worst, comic book adaptations of all-time. I’m sure Jeff Bridges and Ryan Reynolds would love to use that MIB memory wipe stick thingy on all who have seen it.

3. The Host

Let's make out
Let’s make out some more!

If you thought Stephenie Meyers’ Twilight was a shithouse love story, then you might very well die from spontaneous human combustion if you watch The Host. “Bad” is the kindest thing I can say about this pathetically laughable sci-fi romance where the protagonist alien (Saoirse Ronan) spends most of the film literally arguing with herself and finding excuses to make out with two different guys. Apart from being unintentionally hilarious, this disaster is overlong and devoid of any redeeming features. And the ending is just painful.

2. Spring Breakers

We couldn't try harder if we tried
We couldn’t try harder if we tried

I honestly thought I had seen the worst movie of 2013 when I had the misfortune of watching Spring Breakers, the most pretentious, contrived and gratuitous piece of crap I had seen for a very long time. Dull and obnoxious characters, annoying and pointless voiceovers, a moronic storyline and jumbled structure, and the most ridiculous James Franco performance you’ll ever see. The harder this film tries, the worst it gets. Fails in every way imaginable.

1. Movie 43

What the hell have we done?
What the hell have we done?

There was a time when I thought the Farrelly brothers were legends. That was back in 1998 (There’s Something About Mary). Fifteen years later, they’ve made a film so putrid that I was tempted to hand out my first 0-star rating ever (and I only held back because I believe every film deserves at least something). This is one of those films you just have to see to believe. Despite stocking up with the most A-list names you will ever see in an ensemble cast, Movie 43 rolls out one unfunny, offensive skit after another until audiences either walk out or start jabbing sharp objects into their eyes and ears. This goes far, far beyond just being a bad movie. It’s loathsome, vile and unbearable. It’s unfathomable. And it’s the worst movie of 2013.

2013 Movie Blitz: Part 1

I’m trying my best to get through as many 2013 movies as I can so I can complete my best and worst lists for last year. And since I’m scheduled to be a consultant again at this year’s TTV Oscar’s broadcast, I better get a move on and finish watching the last few movies outstanding on the Best Picture nominee list. Don’t worry, it’ll be done. In the meantime, here is the first batch of my 2013 movie blitz!

Movie Review: The Lone Ranger (2013)

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Guess what? One of the biggest flops, not to mention most-panned films, of 2013, The Lone Ranger, is actually a fairly decent film. I don’t know why critics hated it so much, whether it was the well-publicized budget cuts, the high expectations or weird Johnny Depp fatigue, but to be honest I enjoyed it as much, if not more, than most of the Pirates of the Caribbean films from the same director, Gore Verbinski.

Armie Hammer (both of the Winklevii in The Social Network) is John Reid, a scrupulous lawyer who would eventually become the titular character. His sidekick is the more famous and higher-billed Johnny Depp, who plays a Comanche Indian by the name of Tonto. Together they try and take down a notorious outlaw played wonderfully by William Fichtner. Strong supporting cast includes Tom Wilkinson, Helena Bonham Carter, Barry Pepper, Stephen Root and James Badge Dale.

Now I know the film’s name does not make sense considering the Lone Ranger clearly does not act alone, but that doesn’t stop it from being a solid piece of entertainment fuelled by the chemistry of the two charismatic leads.

I can understand if people are sick of Depp playing these oddball characters, but he’s funny as Tonto in the same quirky way that people love him as Captain Jack Sparrow. In fact, the entire film has that same adventurous, them-park-ride vibe running through it like the Pirates franchise, and it baffles me how people can love that but hate this.

The action is extremely over the top as well, but it’s done well in a surreal kind of way, and my main complaint is the bloated length of 149 minutes, but I said the same thing about all the Pirates movies too.

It’s nowhere near one of the top movies of the year, as Quentin Tarantino rated it, but The Lone Ranger is definitely a lot better than what most critics would have you believe. I enjoyed it for what it is – a light, comedic action popcorn blockbuster.

3.5 stars out of 5

Movie Review: Grown Ups 2 (2013)

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Grown Ups was yet another new low for Adam Sandler, one of the worst films of 2010 and the nastiest comedy I had seen in years. It was basically just a bunch of dicks (I mean, comedians) being mean to people less fortunate than them, and it wasn’t funny.

I don’t know what possessed me, but I ended up watching Grown Ups 2, which brings back Sandler and his group of friends such as Kevin James, Chris Rock and David Spade, with Salma Hayek and Mario Bello playing two of the wives.

And make no mistake, Grown Ups 2 is a horrible movie – something I knew from the opening scene when a wild deer pisses over everyone in Sandler’s family – BUT you know what? It’s actually better than the first one.

I can’t believe I just wrote that, but it’s true, despite the fact that Grown Ups 2 has not discernable plot and simply follows Sandler and his buddies around as they carry on with their daily lives back in Connecticut, where they grew up.

There are some puerile and downright awful attempts at comedy as expected, most of which are pee pee, poo poo and lame sex jokes. Having said that, this time around the characters are not as mean-spirited as they were, and are in fact more the butt of the jokes than the ones dishing them out.

There are two reasons why laughed a few times. The first is the always legendary Steve Buscemi, who has a slightly meatier role this time after a light cameo in the first film. The second is the surprisingly comedic Taylor Lautner (of Twilight fame), who is perfect as the douchey fratboy alongside a nearly unrecognizable Milo Ventimiglia (from Heroes).

Grown Ups 2 is still a crap movie, but fortunately, and sadly, it’s better than its predecessor.

1.75 stars out of 5

Movie Review: Runner Runner (2013)

runner_runner_ver7

He’s talented and charismatic and not afraid to make fun of himself, but he’s still Justin Timberlake, so I need to dislike him on principle. Throw in Ben Affleck, one of my favourite directors but least favourite actors, and I knew the chips were stacked against Runner Runner from the beginning.

Timberlake plays this college kid called Richie Furst, a genius with numbers (yeah right) whose greed gets him into trouble and leads him into the world of online gambling. I’ve always been sceptical of these online gambling sites, and fair enough, Richie discovers that he’s being cheated by the system. However, instead of going to the authorities he takes his find to the web casino’s owner Ben Affleck, who ends up taking Richie under his wing and introduces him to the high life.

As these stories typically go, Richie discovers that not everything in the high-roller world is roses and must find a way to redeem himself while fleeing the inevitable danger. To add to the cliché is the potential love interest played by Gemma Arterton, who just happens to be Affleck’s ex-lover.

It’s not that Runner Runner stinks (okay, maybe it does a little), it’s just that we’ve seen this type of story so many times that nothing comes as a surprise. Paranoia, which also came out in 2013 and stars Liam Hemsworth instead of Timberlake, is pretty much the exact same movie but with a slightly different setting. You know there will be an initial high but then everything will fall apart and things will look hopeless until a “twist” involving a stroke of genius allows the protagonist to escape unscathed. Valuable life lessons are learned along the way, of course.

It’s better than Paranoia, which was even more boring, but RunnerRunner is at best a barely passable DVD rental if you have nothing else to choose from or if you really like Justin Timberlake.

2 stars out of 5

Movie Review: Only God Forgives (2013)

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I love Ryan Gosling a lot. Maybe not as much as some heterosexual women, but he’s up there in my list of favourite actors, plus he seems to keep churning out excellent, edgy films such as Drive and The Place Beyond the Pines. I was hoping that Only God Forgives, a crime flick set in Bangkok written and directed by Danish filmmaker Nicolas Winding Refn (who also directed Drive), would be more of the same, but unfortunately I have to tell it like it is and admit that this was a terrible misstep for Mr Gosling.

Brutally violent, deliberately paced, surreal and downright bizarre at times, Only God Forgives treads a fine line between art and pretentiousness, and in my opinion falls to the side of the latter.

Gosling plays Julian, an American ex-pat who runs a muay thai kickboxing gym in Bangkok that is really a front for a family drug smuggling operation headed by his sadistic brother Billy and his even crazier mother Kristin Scott Thomas. When Billy rapes and murders a local prostitute, it sets of a series of bloody events driven by revenge and Julian is unwillingly caught in the middle of it.

It’s a strange film that mixes sexual fantasies, violent visions, extended karaoke performances, gun fights, fist fights and swinging sword decapitations. There is a certain stylishness and visual flair about Only God Forgives that brings back memories of the brilliant Drive, but it’s also far more confusing and far less gripping. We get bursts of emotion from the characters but they don’t feel anything like real people, and their interactions are too minimal and deliberate to come across as genuine drama.

The result is a film that is very difficult to describe and understandably polarizing. Because of Drive I will always remain interested in what Refn has in store for audiences next, but on this occasion I think he missed the mark with Only God Forgives.

2.25 stars out of 5