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Movie Review: The Expendables 3 (2014)

The-Expendables-3

I remember when I thought the idea of The Expendables, which grouped together a huge handful of old action stars, would be a good premise — if the film was made 10-15 years ago. That was back in 2010, when they made the first film. Now, with the stars another 4 years older, slower and more mutated by HGH, we have been bestowed a third installment in the franchise, and the results are more ghastly than the cracks on Mel Gibson’s face.

The first Expendables was not very good, but at least it was fresh. The second film was more of the same, except less fresh, and now the third film is simply stale. The Expendables do a dangerous job, a villain appears, hurts or kills one of their own, and revenge is ultimately accomplished following a lot of gunfire, explosions, poor attempts at “character development,” and Sly Stallone running around in platform boots yelling incoherently. It’s a proven formula for box office success.

In fact, you’re not likely to remember what the film is even about the next day, and memories of all three films will probably blend into one giant I-don’t-give-a-shit. For the loyal fans, it doesn’t really matter.

My memory of the film is already starting to fade. I am fairly certain that Mel Gibson is the villain because this is the only role in Hollywood he can get these days. I know Harrison Ford is in it because I remember thinking that he is doing a horrible job of convincing people that he has not turned completely senile. Wesley Snipes is the new addition to the oldies, but he doesn’t offer much apart from a “they went there” joke about his well-publicized problems. Arnie is back, but Bruce Willis is out (complete with a cheesy joke to go along with it). Jet Li makes his usual contract-obligated cameo, and Antonio Banderas is in it for some reason. As you can see, The Expendables franchise has more or less become a charity for old actors who want to keep gettin’ ’em checks. But hey, why blame them for exploiting the market? As long as there is demand there will be supply, no matter how many wrinkles there are. I fully expect Nicholas Cage to be in the next one.

To be fair, Stallone does try to infuse new blood into the series by hiring a bunch of potential box office draws, such as MMA badass Ronda Rousey, Twilight alumnus Kellan Lutz and former welterweight boxing champion Victor Ortiz. They each get to show off a little bit, but with so many people sharing the same pie it’s not really worth your time if you just want to see the film because of one or two people.

Now that the novelty of star power has worn off for good, The Expendables franchise must turn to action and cheesy humor to make up for it. The action, to be honest, felt like more of the same. I suppose the guns, knives and explosions are arguably bigger, but for me it was a case of different shit, same smell. I do, however, give kudos for the tongue-in-cheek cheesy humour. One of the franchise’s greatest strengths is understanding what a big joke everything is and its stars’ ability to make fun of themselves, and The Expendables 3 is no different.

I understand the appeal of the Expendables concept and why people (including myself) have flocked to it time and time again. The undeniable reality, however, is that the films have never lived up to the concept, and I doubt they ever can. I can see how there are those who still enjoy it, but I’ve become numb and indifferent after three mediocre efforts. I think my wife summed up my sentiments best with her one-word review when I asked her what she thought of it: “Whatever.”

2 stars out of 5

Mega Catch-up Movie Blitz (Part 4)

Puss in Boots (2011)

Like just about everyone else, I laughed at the adorable cat from the Shrek movies the first time I him on screen. He was a fantastic character — so undeniably cute but also extremely self-assured and a bit of a ladies man. The potential for laughs was high.

And so it was not unexpected that the cat, Puss in Boots, got his own spin-off movie given that the Shrek franchise has been beaten to death with repetition. I knew before I watched this film that it was going to have a lot of obstacles to overcome – after all, a little bit of the cat is sweet, but will too much of him be a bore?

Fortunately, while it was nothing special or groundbreaking, Puss in Boots was not a failure. It pulled all the kitty jokes out of the bag in a witty, light-hearted manner that is pleasing to both kids and adults alike, and I found myself laughing out loud to a lot of them. Antonio Banderas, who voices Puss, is charming as the surprisingly kind-hearted hero, and Salma Hayek was also solid as love interest Kitty Softpaws. Very different though to the first time these two were on screen together in Desperado, the film that launched Hayek’s career.

Being a spin-off film, Puss in Boots felt like it was very much part of the Shrek universe, which I guess is both a good and bad thing. There is that sense of familiarity, which is good, but also the tendency to feel a lack of freshness, which is bad. Nonetheless, I enjoyed myself with this one, though I can’t see there being a sequel.

3.25 stars out of 5

Final Destination 5 (2D) (2011)

Hang on a second…didn’t they kill off this franchise already? I could have sworn that the gimmicky and fairly abysmal The Final Destination (3D) was the last one. After all, it was THE final destination.

As it turned out, there was a little life left. The fifth film of the series was essentially more of the same, and of course, it was also in 3D (which I avoided like the plague). If you like watching people die in an assortment of gruesome and creative ways, then you might still find some enjoyment in this one. But otherwise, stay away.

For me, it was a little “meh”, to be honest. The franchise has become a one trick pony in recent years – a bunch of people survive something they should have died in, and death comes back to pick them off, one by one. As usual, the initial “incident” is done quite spectacularly (in this one it’s a bridge collapse…oops, did I spoil anything?), and it then becomes a guessing game of who will go next, and how. I admit, there is some decent tension, and it can be fun guessing the manner in which the person will die while ignoring all the red herrings. But if you’ve seen it once, you’ve seen them all.

Kudos for placing the characters in a work environment this time and finally taking out of high school, and credit to the writers for coming up with a clever ending (I won’t spoil this one, but it’s not bad). Apart from that there’s not much separating this one from the rest.

2 stars out of 5

What’s Your Number (2011)

This movie was kinda gross. A girl (Anna Faris) realizes she has had twice as many sexual partners as the average person and decides to track down her ex-boyfriends with the intention of marrying one of them. Her neighbour (Chris Evans) is a douchebag who is into one night stands and is constantly running away from women he has just slept with. She agrees to help him and he agrees to help her. You can guess the rest.

What’s Your Number does have the tiniest bit of charm because Faris is sharp and witty (as usual, though she seems to have settled into this stereotype where all her performances turn out similar) but the characters are not particularly likable and the jokes are mostly flat and predictable. And you know right from the start how things will end up.

Is it worse than the average rom-com that gets churned out these days? Not really. Despite arising out of a fresh idea, in reality it’s just more of the same. I can’t think of much else to say.

2 stars out of 5

Johnny English Reborn (2011)

I will probably lose all credibility for this, and perhaps rightly so, but I am being dead serious when I say I enjoyed Johnny English Reborn.

Hear me out. When I saw snippets of the original Johnny English film I cringed and switched it off. When I saw the trailer for this film, I told myself it was going to be the worst movie ever.

And yet when I watched it (don’t ask me how or why), I laughed. It’s a guilty pleasure, for sure, and you probably need to be in the right mood for it. But I laughed. I found it funny. Rowan Atkinson was funny. So was Daniel Kaluuya, who plays bumbling junior agent Colin Tucker. And Gillian Anderson is always good to have around.

This is a spy spoof but the obvious spoof parts are not necessarily what generate the laughs. Make no mistake, this was a hit and miss film, and there were plenty of misses, but there were also some good jokes. Simple as that.

3.5 stars out of 5