Tag Archives: After Earth

Worst 10 Films of 2013!

I don’t like to brag, but I’ve really outdone myself this (last year). I’ve finally completely reviewing my backlog of 2013 films and, according to my calculations, I’ve watched and reviewed a total of 131 movies with a release date of 2013. And out of that group, I’ve selected my 10 worse films of 2013!

The methodology is simple. I simply picked out the films with the lowest stars I gave and ranked them in accordance to rating, applying my judgment to those with identical scores to determine which one was worse. 2013 turned out to be an excellent year in cinema at the lower end of the spectrum, as I only counted exactly 10 films with a rating lower than 2 stars (not including 2-star films). There were a couple that are so bad that they would have topped the list any other year, but on the whole I was pleasantly surprised.

So here goes. As usual, click on the film title for my full review.

Dishonourable mentions: Diana, Runner Runner, Last Vegas, The Bling Ring, The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, The Hangover Part III

10. Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

According to this list we're the 10th worst movie of the year!
According to this awesome list we’re the 10th worst movie of the year!

I expected this re-imagining of the classic fairytale to be bad, but not quite this bad. The touches to the revamped story were uninspiring, the action was sub-par, and the dialogue was poor, resulting in a dull, uninvolving experience that felt more like an opportunistic cash grab than a genuine attempt to create a decent movie experience. I like both Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton, but this was an obvious misstep for both of them.

9. After Earth

Thanks dad, I won't let you down
Thanks dad, I won’t let you down

Will Smith’s star vehicle for his precious son Jaden was widely panned by critics and deservedly so. Despite a potentially intriguing premise and a whole bunch of special effects, After Earth was a complete and utter bore, stunted by a predictable and cheesy narrative, poor acting and lameness all around. Even I, one of M Night Shyamalan’s biggest apologists, can’t defend him on this monster.

8. Grown Ups 2

Can I take my shirt off yet?
Can I take my shirt off yet?

Adam Sandler movies these days are destined for lists like this, so it says a lot when Grown Ups 2 can’t even make the top 5. And yes, this is a horrible movie with a lot of indefensible attempts at humour, no plot and a plethora of offensive content — BUT the presence of Steve Buscemi and a pretty funny Taylor Lautner as a fratboy douche was enough to make the film suck substantially less.

7. The Counselor

I'd like to grow my hair out too
I’d like to grow my hair out too

Even going into it knowing Cormac McCarthy’s occasional off-the-wall tendencies, The Counselor still turned out to be the year’s most WTF movie. Seriously, what the heck was Ridley Scott thinking? Everyone in this production tried too hard, from McCarthy’s unnecessarily convoluted script to Scott’s direction to the overacting of Javier Bardem. Given what this could have and should have been, it’s possibly the year’s biggest disappointment.

6. The Canyons

Even your knockers can't save this movie, Lindsay
Even your knockers can’t save this movie, Lindsay

Oh poor Linsday Lohan. She has become some uninsurable that she’s resorted to this doomed super-low budget project by Brett Easton Ellis and Paul Schrader. With porn superstar James Deen as the lead, The Canyons ventures dangerously close to amateur porn territory. Better direction and acting, I grant you that, but production and plot-wise not so much. It’s hard to imagine Lindsay reviving her career from this nadir.

5. Paranoia

I'm paranoid this could be one of the worst movies of the year
I’m paranoid this could be one of the worst movies of the year

I support all Aussie actors trying to make their mark in Hollywood, but I can’t bring myself to support Liam Hemsworth’s decision to star in Paranoia, an inexplicably boring, cliched techno “thriller” that makes me wonder if Harrison Ford and Gary Oldman are having cashflow problems. While some films seem OK on paper, only to fall apart on the screen, it should have been obvious Paranoia was going to be awful from the get-go. No excuses for all involved.

4. RIPD

Who you gonna call?
Who you gonna call?

An early contender for worst film of the year, only to be nudged back to 4th place thanks to some truly grotesque efforts in the top 3. RIPD is more or less Men In Black for ghosts and demons, except it’s less exciting, less witty, less interesting, less coherent and with much worse special effects (and we’re talking about a 1997 movie here). One of the worst, if not the worst, comic book adaptations of all-time. I’m sure Jeff Bridges and Ryan Reynolds would love to use that MIB memory wipe stick thingy on all who have seen it.

3. The Host

Let's make out
Let’s make out some more!

If you thought Stephenie Meyers’ Twilight was a shithouse love story, then you might very well die from spontaneous human combustion if you watch The Host. “Bad” is the kindest thing I can say about this pathetically laughable sci-fi romance where the protagonist alien (Saoirse Ronan) spends most of the film literally arguing with herself and finding excuses to make out with two different guys. Apart from being unintentionally hilarious, this disaster is overlong and devoid of any redeeming features. And the ending is just painful.

2. Spring Breakers

We couldn't try harder if we tried
We couldn’t try harder if we tried

I honestly thought I had seen the worst movie of 2013 when I had the misfortune of watching Spring Breakers, the most pretentious, contrived and gratuitous piece of crap I had seen for a very long time. Dull and obnoxious characters, annoying and pointless voiceovers, a moronic storyline and jumbled structure, and the most ridiculous James Franco performance you’ll ever see. The harder this film tries, the worst it gets. Fails in every way imaginable.

1. Movie 43

What the hell have we done?
What the hell have we done?

There was a time when I thought the Farrelly brothers were legends. That was back in 1998 (There’s Something About Mary). Fifteen years later, they’ve made a film so putrid that I was tempted to hand out my first 0-star rating ever (and I only held back because I believe every film deserves at least something). This is one of those films you just have to see to believe. Despite stocking up with the most A-list names you will ever see in an ensemble cast, Movie 43 rolls out one unfunny, offensive skit after another until audiences either walk out or start jabbing sharp objects into their eyes and ears. This goes far, far beyond just being a bad movie. It’s loathsome, vile and unbearable. It’s unfathomable. And it’s the worst movie of 2013.

Movie Review: After Earth (2013)

after earth

I am…well, was…one of the staunchest M Night Shyamalan defenders out there. I loved The Village and thought The Happening was, er, good (up until the ending) and didn’t think The Last Airbender was as awful as advertised, though Lady In the Water pushed me about as far as my limit would go. And so when I discovered that he was directing Will Smith’s latest sci-fi adventure After Earth (the same Will Smith who does not choose to make bad movies, apparently), I did not run off screaming like most other people.

I probably should have.

After Earth is, plain and simple, a bore, which is an incredible feat considering the semi-interesting premise and how much “action” there is. Basically, humans are forced to abandon Earth at some time in the future after making the place inhabitable, and the new place they decided to settle down has these alien creatures who are blind but can sense fear. Will Smith is some legendary commander who can suppress his fear (and hence practically invincible), and Jaden Smith (his real life son), is constantly living in his shadow. On a final trip to an abandoned Earth, their spaceship crashes and Will is hurt, and the only person who can save them (by trekking through dangerous terrain with evolved/mutated monsters) is Jaden.

So yeah, After Earth is basically a Jaden Smith star-making vehicle produced by his family. Will Smith, who came up with the idea for the movie, is more or less there for the star power and barely moves for the entire film. Jaden’s name even comes up first in the credits (this is living proof of fatherly love).

Apparently the original premise was not sci-fi and was about a father and son duo who are trapped after their car breaks down in the wilderness. That idea might have made a better motion picture, because the sci-fi elements in After Earth don’t really work. Maybe it’s the effects of a hangover from The Last Airbender, but After Earth has a childish feel to it, as though it was made with a Nickelodeon-esque audience in mind. It’s a morality tale and a coming of age story, but there is no nuance or subtlety. Everything is so painfully obvious and predictable. Bland and uninteresting, even when the characters are supposedly in danger. It’s not often that a 100-minute film feels too long. I’m not kidding here, but I think perhaps the film would have been better as an animation.

It’s pointless dissecting Will Smith’s performance because he has so little do to. As for Jaden Smith, I think his acting abilities have regressed from The Pursuit of Happyness (made 7 years ago) and The Karate Kid remake (3 years ago). Maybe it’s the script’s fault, or simply a lack of charisma, because I could not connect with his character at all. The most emotional parts of the film, including a (remote) tearful exchange with his father, felt strangely empty and cliched.

That said, the film is not quite as bad as it has been made out to be. Though clunky, the film tells its story adequately, and the special effects and scale are quite impressive. It’s not the worst of the movie of the year and 11% on Rotten Tomatoes is a brutal overreaction. However, After Earth is still ultimately a huge disappointment and a failed experiment. Maybe it’s time for M Night to retreat into the shadows and get back to the smaller, more intimate projects that made him a respected filmmaker in the first place.

1.75 stars out of 5